April 2000

Volume 1, Issue 1

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April Articles
- It's Damage Control Time For "Shovernor" Carnahan
- Three Cheers for Global Warming
- Bootheel Man Sees a Hill for the First Time; Is Hospitalized for Vertigo
- Elian and Father Sent Back to Cuba, Strapped to Nuclear Missile
- Everyone Wants A Taxpayer-Funded Stadium, Except Taxpayers
- Cape Residents Looking Forward To Spring Cleanup
- Bachelor Gourmet: A Treatise in Unhealthy Living
- Letter Writing Campaign Bombards WDKA Channel 49
- Don't Vote? Then Don't Bitch
- John Rocker's Birthday Now a Holiday in Sikeston
- Chaffee Churches Agree: Pretty Much Everyone is Going to Hell
- A 25 Year Old Urban Legend Strikes Cape
- Daylight? No, We Need Headache Saving Time!
- Riverfest Cancelled; No One Notices
- The Cape Rock Is Now Online
- Welcome to Cape. Now, Leave.
- Business Is Booming In Neckred County
- SEMO Thrilled by NCAA Tourney Loss
- New Madrid County Central Public School Lunch Menu
- Making Money From Parking Problems
- East Prairie School Board Bans Wrestling Clothing and Trash Talk
- The Going Rate For A Presidential Vote? $152 on eBay.
- Missouri Sells the Bootheel to Arkansas

Gore-Free Tennessee?
April 12
Some Republicans in Tennessee are pushing for a most worthy cause, a Gore-free existence. We wish them well, just as long as Al Gore stays out of Missouri as well.

Lawsuit over Paducah school shooting dismissed
April 11
A lawsuit filed by parents of victims in the Paducah shooting against 25 entertainment companies was dismissed last week. When the suit was announced, attorney Jack Thompson said, "We intend to hurt Hollywood. We intend to hurt the video game industry. We intend to hurt the sex porn sites." It's probably good that this $130 million lawsuit was dismissed; if successful, it would've hurt not Hollywood, but personal responsibility.

April 4th election results posted online
April 6
The Cape County Clerk's office has posted "unofficial" election results on the county website for your civic enjoyment.

CurseFree unveiled
April 1
A device called CurseFree is available which monitors the TV closed caption text and blocks out curse words in real-time. It seems rather silly to go to so much trouble to block out swearing, but if it was possible to reprogram this device to block out things like "Heartland", "Regis Philbin", and "Elian Gonzalez", then it might be worth buying.

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The Going Rate For A Presidential Vote? $152 on eBay.
Elections Fake News reported by Martha Throebeck, Staff Reporter, on April 1, 2000
from the pursuit-of-happiness dept.

PERRYVILLE, MO -- It might be illegal, but that isn't stopping Doug Bruewski from auctioning off his vote for the November general election. Doug has placed his vote up for sale on eBay, the online auction site, with a minimum bid of $100 and no reserve. Even though the auction only started two days ago, Doug has already received 10 bids up to $152.

"I got the idea last week when a friend asked me who I planned to vote for," Doug explained. "I said that I hated both Bush and Gore and that I probably wouldn't vote. And then the idea hit me: If I wasn't going to use my right to vote, I could sell it to someone else and make enough money to pay off my bar tab. Heck, if lobbyists and interest groups can buy votes from Congressmen with campaign contributions, then why can't I sell my vote in exchange for beer contributions?"

If the auction is successful, Brueski hopes to sell other Constitutional rights. "I don't really need freedom of press. I wonder if anyone would want that. I'm agnostic, so I don't need that freedom of religion. My son doesn't like school, so maybe I could sell his right to a free public educashon. Oh, and I'd like to ditch my right to a trial by jury... I'm not a criminal, after all, and I never intend to be. The only right I can't part with is freedom of assembly because I, uh, like to go to bars."

Brueski might want to hold on to those rights because both the Federal and Missouri governments have launched an investigation of the auction. "This might not be as bad as that Senator who put himself up for sale on eBay last year, but it's still illegal," a Federal Election Commission bureaucrat said.

The political observers we talked to weren't sure about the legality of the auction, but they did seem to agree that Brueski's asking price was too high. One commented, "In previous Missouri elections, the average vote has only been worth maybe ten bucks. $152 seems like a rip-off to me."

Low budget. Low bull.

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